You’ll need guts to play NHS Loto

With the imminent revamp of the NHS Loto on the way, the Diary thought it only right and proper to offer some further suggestions for the scratch card that will inevitably follow.

Three kidney-shaped objects in a row could get you a transplant, two a spot of dialysis, but one would leave you at the bottom of the waiting list. Similarly, three beds in a row could get you one for a short stay, two a hospital trolley in the corridor and one might entitle you to a shared hammock.

Three doctors would guarantee an appointment, two would get you a junior doctor after an 80-hour shift and one would get you a hospital porter who had done

an evening class in needlework.