Enjoy your stay in Pommieland

Considering the parlous state of English tourism, thanks to the foot and mouth crisis, the industry’s governing body is doing its level best to inject some pride – or so you’d think.

However, one of The Diary’s avid readers just couldn’t help tipping us off when, intrigued by the English Tourism Council’s (ETC) latest attempts to label the countryside “safe”, he rang the body’s hotline to find out what countryside attractions were open for business.

Jim Norris at Spectrum Marketing Recruitment, called the ETC only to be greeted by an Antipodean accent at the end of the phone.

Jim adds: “I couldn’t help laughing and I had to put the phone down. Is that really the best they can do?”