Always put the fat kid in goal

The Diary was glad to accept a last-minute invitation to be part of the crowd to watch England’s recent friendly against Holland.

Unfortunately the venue wasn’t White Hart Lane, but a broom cupboard at Capital Radio HQ in glitzy Leicester Square. Also in attendance were howling football commentator Jonathan Pearce and a couple of Z-list “celebs”.

However, a fridge chock-full of Foster’s (Export) for Dutch courage and a substantial stack of pizzas more than made up for the cramped surroundings.

England lost the match two-nil, and post-match analysis blamed one of the Dutch goals squarely on blundering Leeds United goalkeeper Nigel Martyn.

“England have a real problem in this position,” one expert said.

Perhaps Sven-Goran Eriksson should consider “Dr” Fox, Capital’s ever-expanding star disc jockey, for the position. The Diary has been told he’d more than fill the goal.

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