Does your firm’s image deserve a good licking?

Ever a friend to the downtrodden, the Diary has long taken an interest in the plight of those poor employees who have to frank the mudslide of letters gobbed forth each day by companies with nothing better to do.

It seems the Royal Mail has also been worrying about these poor drones, and that august institution has decided to give them the ideal tool of revenge – the SmartStamp!

Lockheed Martin, inventor of the F117 stealth fighter and the apocalyptically named Millennium Gun, has developed, with all the destructive power at its disposal, the SmartStamp, a device that enables companies to put their logo or slogan on their stamps. So now all the humble post-room staffer needs is a photo of the boss drunk at the Christmas party, and your company’s image is destroyed at a stroke.

The Diary, however, prefers a more subtle subversion of the Queen’s postal system. Those lucky enough to receive mail from this column can expect a stamp from the Royal Mail Regicide collection, featuring portraits of the 59 signatories to Charles I’s death warrant.